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Alpha comes from a broken home. His mom met and married a few dudes along the way, which one of which was an asshole and emotionally abusive. Alpha only wanted security and learned to just 'take it' to not rock the boat. His mother divorced him when Alpha went to college. The damage was done, and Alpha didn't know how to stand up for himself until he got some therapy.
In this video men's style, grooming, fitness and lifestyle expert, Aaron Marino of http://www.iamalpham.com , http://www.AaronMarino.com , and http://www.peteandpedro.com discusses how to say 'no'.
We Teach People How to Treat Us
We teach people how to treat us- this notion was ground-breaking to Alpha. He realized that by not standing up for himself, he taught people how to treat him. He gives examples. We also have a hard time if we stand up for ourselves because we are scared of the repercussion(s).
In Alpha's early 20s, he realized he had a problem standing up for himself. Going to a therapist was one of the best decisions he ever made. Unfortunately, he realized that he had to stand up for himself or else get out of those environments. Alpha got anxiety even THINKING about standing up for himself.
Decision to Leave or Stand Up for Yourself
When making a decision to stand up for yourself, you could potentially lose friends, a career, a significant other / spouse. The alternative is being eaten alive inside. When Alpha made his decision to leave, he realized he needed to change and start asserting himself.
The more you practice standing up for yourself, the easier it's gets. Another upside is that toxic relationships go away. They were comfortable putting you down, and they will find someone else that is a push-over.
Confidence and Responsibility
Standing up for yourself boils down to developing confidence and knowing you are amazing. No one should put you down or treat you poorly. You need to realize that you have to take care of yourself and that you are responsible for your happiness & success. Life is too short to not feel good about who you are or the people you're around. The ability to say 'no' is a skill you can develop. It feels amazing and you are worth it.
I have seen soo many videos about how to deal with these toxic people...they always say..just walk away...make distance...etc..which is really wierd..by letting people berate u all the time will finish ur self worth...this is the first video which is really practical..this is what we must do to deal such people and dont become their victioms...great sir
I have 2 kids on child support.....1month away from the first one coming off my ex in laws want me to contribute to college....im broke....they are wealthy.......i told them months ago i cannot pay for college ........
what i am taking from this is if if you get insulted you can say i don't deserved to be put down will you plase treat me with proper respect
and if you get insulted you can say i don't deserved to be treated like shit
will you start treating me like a normal human being
regardless of why you are insulting me
To be honest This same thing happened to me except not at home but a bad class. I was a special type of pushover that didn't even tell her parents for the fear of my mom going to school, because it only made things worse in the long run. So up until last week, I haven't told anyone in the world what was happening, but I got closure last week. I was completely alone in one class period because my whole class except me forgot about it. And me and the teacher started to talk and we ended up on the topic of "why was I so quiet in class" so everything spilt out. I have to say that in itself was therapy because while my brain was strong and did it's best to protect me from the harm, my soul couldn't handle it. So I almost cried of relief because I was "set free" from that torture (I was luckily not physically abused, if it would have gone that far I'd probably retaliate because that's where I draw the line), I've only got 39 work days until graduation, can't wait for college! Gonna be a computer engineer even If I'm a girl! Anyway, thank you for reading this, have a nice day!
Another skill of high achievers is the art of saying no. If you say yes to something that isn’t important, that’s unessential, you’re saying no to something that is important, something that could be advancing you towards your goal. ;) I read book about this
Yes yes. I’ve dealt with this a lot and have made a lot of improvement. Emotional abuse can destroy your self esteem and boundaries. You have to build up the self love and fix your boundaries and boost your confidence. Nobody can hurt you only if you let them
Working on it. Not there yet. I am happy to just work and be left alone, but I get picked on by management. So hard to stand up for myself. Feel so powerless and vulnerable. Just keep taking it and it builds and eats me inside. Sometimes led to depression, often I eat too much comfort food or drink too much "to cope with the day", and sometimes lost sleep. Gone through and going through it all. And still, I cant stand up for myself to my bosses. Working on it. Not there yet.
It's interesting that I see this video today; today it was the first time I decided to stand up for myself when talking to my ex-girlfd, i have always been a push over in the relationship, and when speaking to her, she wouldn't be like passively aggressive, but simply being plainly aggressive, even we have broke up more than an year ago. So today I decided it is enough, and it is not ok to treat me like that, I stook up for myself and draw the boundary. It feels so good and relieved I gotta say, Guys, rmb: don't think that you can take all the blame and negativity in the world and definitely dont think that by simply remain silent, things will just go away, It won't, your negative feeling will just grow bigger and bigger if you choose to bury it instead of confronting it. It is our emotional responsibility to stand up for ourselves, if you are not responsible for yourselves emotionally, you cannot expect people to be relying on you emotionally as well. Always take good care of yourself before caring the others
Today, I just parked my father's truck in a parking lot and there was this car next to me. I was waiting for my dad when a white blonde bitch came out of the restaurant and she just stood there. I saw her and she gave me a rude stare. She said, "Um... I don't know how I'm gonna get into my car" and I was immediately pressured to do something about it. Women, please don't pick on us men, we are just as delicate as you are. My father asked me what happened and I told him. He said, "You should've told her to fuck off and learn how to park."
I wish I had a backbone like him. But after seeing a video like this, I am now inspired to say NO. I will not be the push over I've been for years! It's not gonna be easy though. Wish me luck, and thanks for these awesome words!
Thank You so much for making this video (and all you other ones) I've been subscribed to your channel for several months after searching on youtube for confidence advice. Your story of family dysfunction and emotional attacks was very relatable and now i find myself at the begining of my 20s trying to build the skills to stand up for myself. Your channel is one of the biggest things assisting in my personal growth. Please keep up the good work and quality content!
Thank u!! This helped me because I have always had troubles saying no to ppl!!
I had this really good friend and she told everything and I told her everything but one thing... My opinions! Later when we went to seventh grade an other girl got into our little friend group. She was really nice and all but I realized early on they would ALWAYS chose each other over me! They started insult me, for them it was just joking around. For me this really hurt! I’ve had a rough past with friendships.
When I was younger I was the loner. Then we moved and I started first grade. I thought I finally had a friend... She just told lies about me, so that ‘friendship’ ended. I started to get to know an other girl from a different class in the end of the year. We got really close... Guess what?! I find out we are moving!! Which means I have to switch schools!!! I started at a new school... There was this really nice girl in my class and we got to now each other really well... Then she finds out she has to move and that she won’t be coming back! After that it was a bit hard to find friends and finally in sixth grade I finally found a friend. She wasn’t in my class but it didn’t bother us. We did pretty much everything together and that brings us to seventh grade. We were friends but I realized she was making comments about me being really short and she wasn’t that tall either so it really bothered me. Then the other girl started to do the same thing. I was scared to stand up for myself because I did it once and they laughed! That’s were I exuded I will be with other girls from my class and it was really nice being with them. Of course my old friends asked if I was mad at them I said “no”. I was scared to tell them the truth and never did. They asked why I was ignoring them. I said “ I’m not ignoring u I’m just really tired”. Now why did I say that? If would have said that I’ve just been some other friends, they would’ve said “ wow I didn’t know u had other friends” and laugh. Well the girl I was friends with first always said “no one cares” if I was trying to say something. Well I just couldn’t say that they were hurting me. I still think she should have known better because she changed class because she was bullied and well it just hurts. I still haven’t gotten over it. It’s like when take a peace of paper and make it into a ball and u open the ball the paper has marks left and the paper will never be the same again.
If you’ve made it this far then thanks for reading and I hope that u have friends that care for u.❤️
Great video man, but how do we find our confidence, how do we develop the ability to say no? Could you tell us how you did it, Alpha? Because frankly I’m tired of being walked over by everyone, of being run ragged because at work I’m doing my job and then get asked to add a million and one more things to my workload and I can’t say no. One of the other nurses on my ward has even said I’m going to burn out unless I become assertive, stand up for myself and start saying no. But it’s just not that easy. I’ve always tried to keep everyone happy, to be a people pleaser, but it’s now at the cost of my happiness and sanity, and I can’t have that. So I’d appreciate any help and advice you can give me man.
Thanks bro, keep up the amazing vids and take care!
Thank you, Alpha m. Thank you for the video... just watching it once restored my confidence and established my ability to assert myself in a situation what was making me a pushover. Perhaps one day I will share my story (privately of course) with you, and share how your video changed my life during a critical moment of my life. Thank you abundantly.
Person : Hey man can you do ___ for me?
Me : Look man I always do your job so just do it yourself
Person : Why not?
Me : Because I don’t want to do your job
Person : But you don’t have anything else to do at your free time
Me : Uhhhh
My dad was never in the picture. My mom had to play both roles and raised me by herself. I have two little brothers. I've actually been in the same position. My mom is a saint. She put up with a lot of shit from me. I used to never stand up to anyone and never stand up for myself.
We teach people how to treat us . But if they mistreat us we are responsible too bcz we didn't stand up for our selves .so don't allow them to treat you badly ,don't you ever give them the opportunity.
30 years old and watching your videos have made me thinknig and making me change for the better. Knowing yourself and your selfworth even loving yourself is super important and it makes imo your quality of life 100 times better.
Something i started to do not too long ago, starting to write down what i didn't like about myself and i took one thing from the list and i started to change it. For ex, i was the biggest i've ever been so i put a goal up, i want to look good (in my eyes) in clothing so 7 months in now i've been working out and finally i can move on to "i want to look good without a shirt".
Just this made me feel like i was on the top of the world and with this boost in self confidence i started to be honest with people and saying "no" when they treat me in a way i don't feel i like or deserve. Takes practice but here i am, 30 years and feeling better than ever and loving myself.
So thanks Alpha for the many videos and kicks in the butt. You are a part of why i'm here today.
I also come from an abusive environment and little time ago I figured out I had the same issue, not standing for myself. Not speaking up, because all my life I was told to shut up, from my familly.
Thank you so much for the advices and thank you for every last word you use on your videos!
What if it’s a family member in your house? I’ve already left my job (I used to work with them) I would get treated like crap at work and at home. I haven’t talked to them at home since I left my job.
In the past I apologized to them and they apologized back and said they were gonna try to change but not even a week went by and they were back to their old narcissistic habit. 😕 what can I do should I go to therapy? Or just wait till I move out? Your input would be nice alpha great video. I’m sorry to hear you went through that...I never would have guessed you went through that 😕
I have a similar backstory with a verbally abusive stepdad and just taking the abuse to keep the peace. It really bled over into most of my relationships. I do believe that anyone you lose due to standing up for yourself was only in your life to use you anyway not be a true friend. It’s very hard to break out of silence but worth it and necessary.
Great video I seriously doubt anyone is worse than me in my early 20s I worked a job and was constantly getting harassed by my supervisor every time he’d come I’d go into shock I’d keep practicing that I’d confront him but it just wouldn’t come out it was fear of making a scene that held me back I constantly live in an anxious state ever since but I believe your channel can help me bring my confidence back thanks again for sharing
Why just “gentlemen”? As a woman I also found this to be very helpful and informative. Im needing to find my voice, stand up for myself and assert myself in both personal and professional relations. Women and men both suffer alike from this is all I’m saying.
Your great love your videos can relate i have this problem at work people pick on me because am a nice person who says yes at time even when i wanna say no but get scared so go along with it and deep down i wanna not go back to work so I then would lose my job our walk out i got bullied when younger and it has efforted my life and my choices my last job i was a carer but some people wasn't very nice to me i stound up for myself sometimes but not enough i got bad anxiety and am trying to find my inner voice of not being scared to be me as i dont wanna live in fear anymore and hold my ground not to be pushed around anymore and to finally hold a job down but love ur videos very inspiring
You know Alpha, I had something similar like this a few years ago in high school: my best friend got some new female friends that he's still friends with. At the beginning they were pretty nice to the both of us, but after a year they kinda started to push me over (blowing off my plans, ignoring me, etc.) almost at the cost of my friendship with my bro. So I decided to just ignore them too, and things have been pretty blooming since.
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